Yeah, this is NOPE for Lubes

So, yeah. The post on things to go in a set of Nethers sparked this….

Things that DO NOT belong in a body on the way to having sex…

 Dawn Dish Soap

You know, that clean fresh squeaky feeling your dishes get after being cleaned with this?

Your nethers won’t have that feeling if you use this for lube. Because it’s SOAP. And sometimes, it has bleach. Or oxyclean. And having my nethers break out in grease fighting foam while I’m having sex isn’t something I want. Let alone want to know what bleach or oxyclean will do to them…

 kraft-mayo

So, this is rich and creamy and feels really slick when you rub it against your fingers, but it isn’t lube. It goes on food. And unless you are going to get slapped between two pieces of bread, this shouldn’t be used on you.

 motor-oil

Yes, it’s an oil. No, motor oil ISN’T human safe for internal human use. It’s for your car, not your ass

And no, it isn’t going to help you turn your crank any faster. Try porn.

 WD40

You see all those good things that WD-40 does? It works great for nuts and bolts, squeaky hinges and the like. Your ass shouldn’t squeak. And if it does, don’t use this shit.

 Surf-Creme-Rinse-Shampoo-and-Conditioner-by-Bumble-and-Bumble-25-www.bumbleandbumble.com_

Yes, it’s slick and it will stay slick. Plus your ass or nethers would be clean afterwords, but really, it doesn’t belong there.

Also all those promises about making things full bodies, lush and manageable? Do you really think that applies to your nethers?

 honey

This is HONEY. It’s not slick. It’s useful if you want to cover a crumpet, but not to be used as a slick substance to take a cock up a nethers…

It’s sticky and messy and will be a HORRIBLE thing to use. Now, if you are using it to making things tasty? That’s another post…

 Gun Oil

This stuff is for guns. You know, those things that shoot bullets and are made of metal? They are kept in working order because of this stuff. It works for GUNS/Firearms/Bang Bangs to keep the parts moving. It will NOT allow your parts to move with their parts if used as lube.

Sorry. Not

 Semen.

Yes, he produces it. No, it’s not lube. There is nothing slick about this stuff. Remember a certain hairdo? Yeah. It’s not for use as lube and leave it at that.
1280px-Human_semen_in_a_petri_dish

So, Saliva….

Yes, I know that this is some of the stuff that makes blow jobs easier. And hey, oral sex is great when your tongue doesn’t dry out and stick to the nethers it’s playing with. But let’s be real. Spit dries. And if you think that having penetrative sex with something that dries sounds painful?

It really is. Don’t try this. Because if you do, it can lead to the last thing on the WTF? NOPE list

DT3212.jpg

 Blood

Blood.

Using this for lube is NEVER, EVER right. If you see this while having sex, and you aren’t female and or on a period? Something is wrong with how you are having sex. So stop and figure out why.

If you have used any of the above items as lube, stop. Get carefully clean, go to the doctor, get treated. And never again use this shit as lube.  Blood should stay on the inside of the body in things like blood vessels and junk. Not being used to make things slick. Because it isn’t.

Just to make things really pointed? There are people who think that salad dressing or Vicks or toothpaste or anything that seems slick for a moment or two for sex. If it seems like something doubtful, don’t. And remember, condoms are to be used no matter what. Especially if your partner thinks that any of the above shit is good to use. Because if their willing to get this stuff all over their OWN nethers, you don’t want them in yours.

No how, no way.

5 Comments:

  1. I’ve read a story with gun oil being used, it was a very old story, in an old fandom, but… Vicks? Screws eyes shut tight…Vicks? You made me shudder and not in a good way. Do these people not know about the different lubes, warming, tingle, scented… I think I’ll leave you on pina colada 🙂

  2. Just the thought of some people thinking any of those things should be used as lube is a major EEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! No common sense in those twits I guess.

  3. The fact that you had to post this makes me wonder. Yes, I have seen many of these used during sex scenes in some questionable fics, but I really hope people know better in real life. *winces*
    Loved, ylur delivery of these posts. Made me smile.

Leave a Reply