How Not To Be an Asshole

 

Title: How Not To Be an Asshole
Author: Ladyholder
Series: Agent Very Far Afloat
Fandom: NCIS, Stargate: Atlantis
Pairing: Tony/Ian
Rating: R
Warnings: Some violence
Summary: Some people need to learn how to behave in the world at large.
Wordcount: 5,248
Beta: Azure Hart

 

Agent Very Far Afloat: Part Two

 

“Where’s DiNozzo, Tom?”

“Hello, to you too, Jethro. It’s a lovely day over here at Homeland. How’s things at NCIS?” Tom asked. He had been expecting the phone call from Gibbs for several weeks and was honestly surprised it had taken as long as it had for him to call. Then again, Tom thought, he might be busy dealing with his former protégé. She was nothing if not distracting.

The phone was silent for several moments before Jethro sighed. “It’s raining, Tom. And NCIS is standing, barely. Where’s DiNozzo?”

“Didn’t your boy leave you a note or something?” Tom asked. He was actually aware that Tony had emailed his team that he was leaving and had managed to be out of the office when the emails had been delivered. Reviewing the security footage later had been enlightening. Jethro had been angry beyond belief, Todd had sat back and watched while McGee had been both ecstatic and scared. If he had been staying, it would have been interesting watching the fallout.

“He did. And yet, he’s gone. I can’t find hide nor hair of him in our systems and his assignment is blacked out. There are reports being filed, but they come in weekly batches all with some very interesting gaps. Where is he, Tom?” Jethro asked, patience strained.

“He’s safe,” Tom allowed. Neither of them were on a secure phone, so there were a great many things he just could not say. “He’s somewhere classified yes. He’s healthy, happy and doing good things, Jethro. Leave your boy be.”

The sigh that came over the phone was deep and Tom tried not to echo it. Jethro was a damn bear without DiNozzo to blunt his edges. Todd was having a hell of a time stepping into the former SFA’s elegant shoes. “Okay, I’ll stop pushing, but if you hear anything, let us know? Also, you might want to have someone take a hard look at what Shepard is up to over here. Because my gut is itchy.”

“Itchy, how? Didn’t you catch Haswari?” Tom asked as he stared out into space.

“We caught him, yes. Kate got shot in the shoulder, but no one died. Not from a lack of trying on the part of Haswari and his cohorts. But that wasn’t what I was talking about. It seems I have a new probie. Might want to check that out,” Gibbs informed him.

“Is this going to cause my blood pressure to go up?” Tom asked as he pulled his keyboard closer to him and fired his work computer up. MCRT’s staffing was public, well, interdepartmental public knowledge. If there was a new probie on it, he would be able to find out quickly.

“Mine did. Let’s not talk about what Todd’s did when she got back,” Gibbs said. “Anyway, if you can, tell DiNozzo I’m not accepting his goodbye letter. He’s to get in contact with me as soon as he can.”

“Fine, I will,” Tom said only to realize he was talking to a dial tone. “Contrary bastard. What have you landed in now?”
Tony rolled over and stretched. His bed was empty and he found himself vaguely resenting that fact. He and Ian had managed a single night together before the tracker had gone on the hunt for Ford. That single night they had gotten was more like a tease and he was hungry for his partner.

It hadn’t been enough after months of no contact. On Earth it had been easy… ish, to keep their relationship low key. They had both been in federal law enforcement and being labeled gay could be deadly in that environment. Plus, Ian had been away for weeks at a time with Fugitive Retrieval and the less said about his own working hours, the better.

Now that they were on Atlantis? Well, things had changed. One thing Tony hadn’t realized had come with Ian was the end of DADT. Sheppard had held a massive all -hands meeting after Ian and assorted crew had arrived on the Daedalus to lay down the changes in the law and the SGC’s response to it.

Which seemed to boil down to; ‘Don’t be an asshole’ and ‘remember, everyone isn’t just like you’. Tony found that he could deal with that. Ian had laughed his ass off at the poleaxed looks some of the various expedition members had been wearing through the whole thing. That had been weeks ago and he was missing Ian.

Since his bed was a queen sized bunk bed there was no rolling out of it. But it wasn’t far to the floor with his ladder and he liked having the space underneath as his own private movie theater. His shower flipped on with a thought and the instant hot water was an awesome perk of living on Atlantis, Tony decided.

His soap was the vaguely spicy one that Ian liked on him and he worked the suds up high. Running his hands over his body, Tony moaned slightly. The hot water, the leftover bit of his dream and his hands were rekindling his libido. Stroking his cock, he leaned against one wall of the shower and relaxed into the sensations.

Tony would never admit it, but he had been worried that his libido had taken a hit due to his exposure to the plague. Thankfully, it had come back as he had recovered. Lam and later Beckett had taken an unholy amount of interest in his medical history and had worked with their various devices to improve his lungs and take care of the scar tissue he had acquired due to his exposure. Thanks to them, he was almost back at his pre-planned levels of lung fitness.

Pushing away the depressing stuff, Tony stroked his cock, just like Ian would. Firm, the calluses of his hand just barely dragging against the shaft and with a twist at the top. Throwing his head back, he could almost imagine Ian behind him, digging his chin into his shoulder and arms around his waist. Squeezing his hand he increased the pressure on the head of his cock and moved the other up to pinch his own nipples. The burst of pain was just enough and the orgasm that had been building at the base of his spine unfolded.

When the fireworks stopped going off behind his eyes, Tony drew in a deep breath and started washing up. He needed to get ready for his new day.

 

“Hey, Chief!” Tony called as he walked into the mess.

“Hey, Tony! Wanting any breakfast?” Cooper asked as she moved up and down the line, inspecting her people.

Tony had no idea what she was looking for, but he could honestly say that Atlantis was the cleanest and best run Navy mess he had ever been in. And the food was always excellent. At the thought of breakfast, his stomach rumbled and he grabbed a tray to move through the line.

Observing what was in the trays, Tony chuckled. “Hey, Cooper, was someone missing all things English?”

Cooper poked her head out of the kitchen and stared at him for several seconds before she shook her head. “Not that I know of, why?”

“Because this is almost a full English breakfast, even down to the beans,” Tony admitted. Looking at the server behind the line, he waved a hand at the selection. “Serve me up a bit of everything, minus the rice and grits?”

“Huh, that might be why most of the Brits, Aussies, and New Zealanders come through on days like today. Cool,” Cooper said with a visible shrug. “Michaels has an egg station set up. They’re a bit blue, but they taste enough like an egg to pass.”

“Thanks, Cooper. Have a good day!” Tony called as he made his way over to Michaels. Three minutes later and he had over easy eggs on top of his mushrooms and tomatoes and he was in heaven. Yeah, Cooper and her people were awesome.

 

Tony wandered down to the gym after his ‘office hours’ and started his workout. Thanks to the improvement in his health, he was back to the workout he had done before he caught the plague and even lifting more weight. At the end, he celebrated a job well done with a ten mile run on the treadmill. As he hit his stride around mile two, he breathed deeply and reveled in the sensation.

Turning his attention away from how his lungs were doing, Tony tried to take the emotional tenor of the gym. He regularly used the same space as the enlisted men and after his weeks on the city, they had gotten to the point where they mostly ignored him and gossiped. He had been hearing a disturbing trend of… not quite hate speech, but certainly bigoted speech. He wasn’t where the infection was coming from, but he needed to know.

He was on mile seven of his run when things got interesting.

“Jesus, how can you stand to work with him?” One of the Marines who had arrived with Ian asked from his spot on a weight bench.

Tony slowed down slightly to divert more of his attention to the words being spoken.

“He may be a know-it-all, but he’s not an asshole about it,” a second Marine said.

Tony couldn’t turn his head enough to tell, but he thought #2 was spotting the first guy. Reaching out, he nudged Atlantis to take video of the gym so he could look at it later. The pulse of agreement he got back was a bit smug, but he could totally forgive the city for it. She was the best surveillance partner he had ever had.

“And out here, having the skills and knowledge to be able to stay alive is the important thing,” Marine #2 continued. He grunted once as he set the weights. “Okay, you’re good on the weights. Anyway, it’s more important that someone can open a cell door or disarm a bomb or even find something that can cure diseases. I’ll take competency over worrying about whether they are straight, bent or queerer than a three dollar bill.”

“You really think some faggot will be able to handle combat?” the first Marine asked. “Because I can’t see any nancy-boy stepping up to do the dirty work.”

Tony bit back a sigh and started slowing his steps down so he wasn’t panting when he ripped the two men new assholes.

“Private Mulvany! Are you really that much of a moron that you are being a bigot in public?” Sgt. Stackhouse barked out from his spot at one of the Bowflex machines. “Also, it isn’t your place to worry about anyone’s sexual orientation. Worry about your own.”

“But Sarge! Faggots are…” Mulvany whined.

“Faggots are what? Soldiers? Scientists? Civilians? What are they, Mulvany?” Stackhouse asked as he got up and walked towards the duo.

“Useless, Sarge! They’re hairdressers and interior decorators and florists!” Mulvany snarled as he rolled off the bench. “They’re all useless civilians who need to stay on Earth so people who can do the job; straight, god-fearing people, can save their liberal useless asses.”

The only thing keeping Tony from giving a classic face-palm was the fact he was running. If he had tried, he was sure he would have broken something. As it was, Marine #2 had stepped back with his hands raised and an expression that clearly stated that Mulvany was on his own.

“Jesus, you are a special sort of stupid, aren’t you, Private?” Stackhouse asked in a wondering voice. He slashed on hand through the air as Mulvany tried to talk. “No, you’ve said your piece. You’ve just insulted me, my partner and a good fifth of the people on this base. I think you need to march your bigoted ass over to the Colonel and explain to him why you need to go back through the cultural sensitivity lectures again.”

“But, Sarge!”

“March, you twit! Then you can apologize to the whole company to cover everyone you’ve insulted today!” Stackhouse rapped out.

Tony was rather impressed at how hard the Marine was being without killing the kid. He was one of the original expedition members and thus had an immense well of inbred respect to use on keeping the men in line. Tony was also impressed that Stackhouse wasn’t screaming insults at the kid. While doing so might have felt good, it wouldn’t teach the kid the lessons he needed to not get himself killed.

As Mulvany headed out, Stackhouse turned to look at the second Marine. “What in the hell, Flannery?”

“I was thinking I could talk him around, Sarge,” Flannery admitted

“Good God, kid.” Stackhouse ran a hand over his head and then shook it. “I don’t know if you’re going to have any luck with that.”

Tony got off his treadmill and walked over to add himself to the discussion. Being a bigot wasn’t illegal, but he wanted to make sure everyone knew acting on it was. Hate speech, bullying, and physical intimidations were all on his list of shit he wasn’t putting up with.

“I had to try, Sarge,” Flannery protested. “Mulvany’s mostly a decent guy, but his whole family’s from this small town in rural Indiana. I don’t think he met a gay man until he went to Basic. I’m certain he didn’t meet someone who wasn’t white until right before Basic started.”

Now that was a surprise, Tony thought. He knew there were some seriously small towns in the US, but that to be so small you were whitewashed to that degree?

“I’m surprised,” Stackhouse admitted with a sigh. “But not. Kid managed to make it through Basic, training, combat and now here before cracking. What set him off?”

“We were on a mission with AT-2 and Major Lorne and Dr. Parrish were flirting. Mulvany was getting uncomfortable, so I told him to zip it until we were here.” Flannery reported. “Doc’s not bad, he just gets really excited about plants. Anyway, Mulvany started getting stupid and then you stepped in.”

“You knew that kind of prejudice has no place out here, right?” Stackhouse asked, eyes level as they looked at Flannery.

“I know, Sarge. And I’m not. But my parents made sure I learned how not to be a bigot before I left home.” Flannery said. “Mulvany’s didn’t and if he’s gonna last at the SGC, it’s up to us to teach him.”

“And that means that he just got everyone a three-day sensitivity lecture series,” Tony announced.

“Aw, sir!” Flannery whined.

“Don’t look at him, soldier,” Tony when Flannery turned to a Stackhouse in appeal. “Everyone is going to be going through this. Including the civilians.”

“That’s going to go over well,” Stackhouse muttered before crossing his arms and looking at Flannery. “Okay, it’s been enough time for Mulvany to have put his foot in it. Let’s go talk to the Colonel and let him know what Agent DiNozzo has planned.”

“Yes, Sarge,” Flannery grumbled softly before turning and heading to the exit.

Tony watched the kid head off. From the way the kid was acting, it was almost like he was heading towards the principal’s office. “I better let the Colonel and Dr. Weir know we’re going to be having a stand down to do this.”

“Yeah. Jesus. I know the SGC runs everyone through Dr. J’s social awareness lectures, but damn. How did this kid get through?” Stackhouse muttered as he ran his hands over his face. “Those classes are seriously through. And every instructor tries to weed out anyone who might let any internal prejudices out. That sort of thing has caused the SGC all sorts of problems in the past since homophobia and xenophobia seem to go hand in hand.”

“I’m sure,” Tony agreed with a sigh. “Any idea if this is going to help?”

“Well, before this, I wouldn’t have said that Mulvany was a homophobe,” Stackhouse admitted. “I’m wondering if he was one of those kids who never thought of what his parents were teaching him and just accepted all the teachings as gospel. Then, they get out into the great big world and find out mommy and daddy aren’t the fonts of all wisdom they said they were and the kid has a breakdown.”

“Four years into his time in the Marine Corps? And after those infamous lectures at the SGC? Stackhouse, that’s a hell of a long time,” Tony pressed. Seriously, four years to learn that not everything he had been taught at home was the accepted by the rest of the world?

“You would not believe how many kids I’ve seen who only seem to catch enlightenment when their prejudices are shoved back in their faces. Seems like the Major and Doc Parrish did that,” Stackhouse explained with a shrug. “Look, we aren’t going to really know what caused Mulvany to lose his mind and get mouthy in public. But I figure the Colonel and Dr. Weir will be really happy that you’ve stepped up to teach everyone how not to be an asshole.”

“I don’t think that’s the title of the unit, but basically, yes,” Tony told him with a laugh.

Stackhouse chuckled with him before waving at the door. “Come on, Mr. Agent Man, let’s go talk to the Colonel.”

 

 

Tony was relaxing in his office at the end of the second day of the three-day training. Apparently, none of the senior staff on Atlantis were keen on allowing any hint of homophobia to get a toehold. Private Mulvany was sitting front and center in every class.

There was a small part of him that enjoyed calling on the kid and making him actually think to get the correct answers. It seemed to be working because the outbursts of anger were getting fewer as the days wore on. From what Tony had seen, Mulvany was getting a few talking to’s by the other soldiers in the unit as well.

“Hey, Tony, how are you doing?”

The yelp he let loose was in no way manly, but there was no denying it. “Damn it, Ian!”

“Seriously, how can you not have known it was me?” Ian asked. “Atlantis likes you and Sheppard best, so she tells you everything.”

“Mostly, she does. But did you ask her to hide you?” Tony asked as he tried to get his heart under control. Damn the man.

“Yeah, but I wasn’t sure she was listening,” Ian admitted.

Tony stared up at the ceiling and mentally knocked at Atlantis. You romantic.

The feeling he got back was smug. “She was listening and seems to be happy to help.”

“Learn something new every day,” Ian muttered softly as stared up at the ceiling as well. “Anyway. I got called back to do a sniper class this week.”

“Did you find Ford already?”

“No, the kid actually learned a lot out here about staying alive,” Ian told him with a sigh. “He’s using traps to slow everyone down as he tries to get back into the medical facility. So far, the traps have been non-lethal, but I don’t expect that to stay that way for long. I’m sure that he’s either almost or totally out of his drug of choice.”

“Oh, fantastic,” Tony muttered. “Do you think he’ll go for murder?”

“I really don’t know, Tony. I’ve never met the kid. From what I can see, he’s smart, he’s resourceful and now he’s desperate,” Ian admitted. “I’ve already told Sheppard and Dr. Weir this, so they know things might be getting hot as time wears on.”

“Great. I really don’t want to prosecute the kid. I saw the video report and he was exposed against his will, and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.” Tony said.

Ian nodded before shrugging. “I know. Kid has my sympathy, but he needs to be caught before things get even rougher for him out there.”

“Right. So you are back here to teach how to be a sniper?” Tony asked as he started closing down his office.

“More like, how to handle a sniper rifle, and see who can actually shoot one,” Ian said with a sigh. “I’ve already marked the personnel I think will be decent snipers, the ones who can do the job in a pinch and the ones who should never, ever handle a rifle again.”

“You lucky sod,” Tony told him with a smile. “Thank you, God, that I’ve already been through that.”

“Yeah, I told them that you are a decent sniper and can be used in missions at any time,” Ian admitted.

“Right. Well, I don’t have a gun set up yet, so I’ll do that after I get this training done,” Tony said with a nod.

“Okay, enough business. Are you done for the day?” Ian asked as he grabbed Tony’s computer bag.

“I am,” Tony admitted.

“Good. Chief Cooper was nice enough to let me grab some food that’ll keep while we do interesting things to each other,” Ian told him with a leer.

“Cooper’s good people,” Tony confirmed as he led the way to their room.

Most of the population of Atlantis was moving through the halls on their way to the mess, their own abodes or in some cases, their duty stations. Just like a navy ship, the city of the Ancients was a full time, day and night operation. Tony had been here long enough to know most of the faces and even a few names and he made sure to greet everyone he could on the way to their room.

“You are so much better at that than I am,” Ian muttered as they walked into the room. Tony could tell Ian had been there before him since his pack was crumpled under the in-room washing machine. That had appeared a week before and when Tony had asked McKay about it, the scientist had been a bit flabbergasted before telling him that Atlantis took care of her favorites.

“I have more practice at being nice to people than you do, due to my job,” Tony told him.

Ian stared at him for several seconds. “True. I’m not too likely to be talking to people while I track them down.”

“Okay, dinner then fun times,” Tony told him, voice firm.

Whatever dinner was, he was sure it was delicious, but he really didn’t pay much attention to it. Most of his attention was centered firmly on his lover. Ian was looking as good as he ever did after coming in from the field. Tired, a bit dirty and a slightly wired, he looked alive and hotter than hell.

“If you keep looking at me like that, you aren’t going to get much dinner,” Ian warned as he stabbed something on his plate.

“Are you that hungry?” Tony asked. Because he wasn’t hungry. For food that is.

“No,” Ian admitted as he slipped the lid back on his plate.

Tony slipped the lid back on his plate and nodded at the bathroom. “Why don’t you get started on your shower and I’ll put these in the fridge?”

Ian just nodded and headed for the shower. It took only moments for Tony to get dinner cleaned up. Easily done since Cooper and her people had been kind enough to make their meal simple to handle. With the food taken care of, he stripped out of his clothes and joined his slippery wet lover in the shower.

Ian was washing his hair and Tony hummed as he added his hands to the massage. “You have until the end of forever to stop doing that,” Ian said with a sigh.

“Just that long?” Tony asked. He was just slightly taller than Ian and he used the inch he had on him to get closer. “Want me to wash you?”

“Please,” there was a faint edge of begging in Ian’s voice and Tony smiled.

The soap was where he had left it and he took a handful of it to start. Kneeling at his lover’s feet, he began his wash from his toes on up. The giggle he got as his fingers brushed Ian’s arch was cute and he grinned in response. Moving up Ian’s legs, he made sure to massage each major muscle group on the way up.

He skipped Ian’s crotch and moved up to his stomach. His lover had a well-defined six-pack and he traced each muscle group in turn. Once they were washed, he moved to his lover’s back, before working his shoulders. Only when Ian was purring did he move down to his ass. Tony was in love with his lover’s ass. It was tight, slightly paler than the rest of him and smooth as could be.

The shower wasn’t quite the spot to rim Ian since the water washing over them hadn’t stopped. But there was a bed right outside and he was totally willing to take the party out there. “Done?” he asked.

“Yeah, I am,” Ian said, sounding a bit wrecked. “Make her run the blower so we dry off faster?”

Atlantis? Tony asked. The water shut off and warm air filled the shower stall, drying them off. “Bed.”

Ian didn’t wait for a second request. “Only you would get a bunk bed,” Ian groused as he climbed up the ladder to the bed.

“Are you bitching because you have to climb or because you didn’t think about it?” Tony asked as he ran his hands over Ian’s ass as it passed his face.

A moan seemed to be almost pulled out of his lover as he finished his climb. “The climb. Get up here and fuck me.”

Tony smiled and started his climb up. “I can totally do that. Get on your stomach?”

As he cleared the top of the ladder, he found Ian sprawled out on his stomach with his legs spread. Good god, but he was a lucky bastard. Tony crawled over to settle between Ian’s legs. He carefully spread the cheeks of his lover’s ass and licked a stripe from perineum to anus.

Ian showed his appreciation of what Tony was doing with a shout into the pillows at the head of the bed. He carefully gripped Ian’s hips in an effort to hold his lover still. The flavor of Ian was faint, and he chased it, working the bud of Ian’s asshole. From the moans Ian was letting out, he seemed to appreciate how through Tory was being.

“If you don’t let me up, you won’t get fucked because I’ll have cum,” Ian panted. His hips were moving against the bed, thrusting down to rub his cook against the fabric of the bedspread.

Tony stopped and leaned his face on Ian’s ass. “So you want to fuck me?”

“It’s been seven months since I’ve been able to really make love to you,” Ian told him as he pushed up with his arms and twisted his body to look at Tony. “I want to taste every bit of you I can before I have to go back out in the field.”

“Right. Well then,” Tony pressed a kiss to the smooth skin of his lover’s ass and moved up the bed. “How do you want me?”

“On your belly,” Ian told him. Tony turned his head and caught his lover’s expression. It was dark, intent and above all else, hungry.

Slipping his hand under his pillows, he pulled out a tube of lube and dropped it by his hip. Then he grabbed one of the pillows and tucked it under his chest to grip. The sound of the cap on the tube being opened made him shiver and Tony took a deep breath as he felt a finger breach him.

“Oh, god, that feels great,” Tony moaned as a second finger followed the first before a third slipped in and stretched him.

“You look so awesome like this. You’re all soft and hot here, and will feel so good wrapped around my cock,” Ian told him. The hunger in his voice was plain and with each stroke of his fingers, Tony could feel the answering hunger in him rise.

“God, Ian. Please fuck me,” Tony moaned.

The fingers that had been driving him insane were removed from his ass and he could hear the cap on the lube being opened. It seemed like only seconds later that Ian was sliding into him and Tony spread his legs to give his lover more room. The burn and stretch of getting filled was as delicious as always and he moaned.

The sound of Ian fucking him added to the feel and Tony could feel his orgasm building. He had been on edge since he had started rimming Ian and this, this was going to push him right over. The heat at the base of his spine exploded out and he lost himself in the pleasure. When he came back, Ian was bent over his back, teeth gripping his shoulder, still fucking him.

“Oh, god,” Tony moaned as he tried to thrust back onto the cock spearing him.

Ian moved his mouth from its grip on Tony’s shoulder to right by his ear. “Let’s see if we can get you to do that again, shall we?”

Tony moaned before hissing out a long affirmative. He was in for one hell of a ride.

 

“Have a good evening, Tony?” Evan asked with a smirk.

Tony hissed slightly as he sat down to breakfast. That didn’t stop him from grinning back at his friend. “I did indeed. How are things going with you and the object of your affection?”

“Slow,” Evan admitted. “But I’m sure I’ll succeed.”

“I’m sure you will,” Tony reassured him before turning back to his breakfast. Ian was heading back to the hunt for Ford after a week on the city and last night had been even more energetic than his first night back. Tony had enjoyed the hell out of being on the bottom for the last few nights since neither of them expected him to get called out.

Not to say that he objected or anything either. Ian was a fantastic lover and… Tony took a deep sip of his coffee and tried to cut off his mental babble. Apparently, their morning session had fucked his brains right out of his head.

“Agent DiNozzo?” his earpiece chirped at him.

The tap to turn it on was second nature now and he made sure that his mouth was clear when he answered. “What can I do for you, Chuck?”

“Agent Edgerton wanted me to pass on a message to you,” Chuck told him before clearing his throat. “It seems that Lt. Ford is escalating. The traps have moved from capturing to lethal. You better make a note of it.”

Tony froze and drew in a deep breath. If Ford was bent on killing people now that would mean most of the avenues of assistance open to him would be closed. “Has anyone died?”

“No, sir,” Chuck seemed happy to report that at least. “But one of the guards has a broken leg and is being medevac’d to the city.”

“Right,” Tony sighed. “Thank you for keeping me up to date.”

“You are welcome, sir,” Chuck confirmed before signing off.

Evan looked at him and the lighthearted mood of just minutes before was gone. Damn it. Ian needed to catch Ford before everything went to hell.

 

No Means NO!