Title: Legal Bob
Origin: This is based on a conversation Jilly and Keira had on a Radio Show. Tony Stark does not call people up to bitch them out. He has the Bobs for that.
“Hello, this is Bob, I’m calling for Mr. Stark and would like to talk to Mr. Hammer,” Justine murmured into the mic of her phone.
“Mr. Hammer is busy,” the woman at the other end of the line said with a gulp.
“Mr. Hammer needs to talk to me,” Justine kept her voice even. “He’s avoided this call for the last two days and if he continues, the next call will be from Dick. If he wants to get that call, that’s on him.”
“The next call will be from Dick?” the woman asked. She sounded even more perturbed than she had at the start of the call.
“Yup,” Justine confirmed. “So. Do us both a favor and patch me through to Hammer.”
The other woman took a deep breath and then sighed. “Okay.”
“Why did my phone ring? I said I was busy!”
“Hello, Justin, this is Bob, representing Mr. Stark. He’s requested I have a few words with you,” Justine informed him.
“Stark is outsourcing his bitchiness?” Hammer asked, voice snide.
“Well he’s busy and you aren’t worth the time it would take him to deal with you,” Justine told him, voice sweet and filled with poison. “So. Mr. Stark wants you to know that he saw your latest phone offering and that he recognizes your rip-offs from his previous generation of phones. He’s already filed the proper paperwork with the patent lawyers and you should be getting served within the next 5 minutes.”
“Stark is full of shit,” Hammer snapped after several seconds of silence. “He’s grasping at straws to try to keep competition down.”
“You keep telling yourself that, Mr. Hammer,” Justine told him. She checked her computer and confirmed the purchase Mr. Stark had told her to expect had gone through. “At any rate, Mr. Stark is aware of your shitty phone, it’s less than stellar rip-offs of his tech, and your inability to innovate yourself out of a wet paper bag. He’s tired of watching you disgrace engineers everywhere, so he’s doing the world a favor and he’s also bought you out of your old company.”
Justine ignored the squeaking that Hammer was doing to look at the press release Ms. Potts had just put out. “The plans are to repurpose Hammer Tech to be a proper low cost, but much higher quality communications equipment manufacturer. One that can be afforded by those who don’t have a lot of money. Mr. Stark also said to tell you that your people will be getting a 20% pay increase across the board since you were shit about paying them.”
The squeaking got worse and she waited, checking her watch. The sound of the process server making his delivery was music to her ears and she smiled. The call was being recorded, as were all the calls from a Bob, so Mr. Stark could review it later. She was going to recommend he not drink anything while he was listening, because he might choke while he was laughing.
“What is the meaning of this?” Hammer asked.
“Honestly, Mr. Hammer, I don’t think we need to explain being sued to you. Nor do we need to explain a hostile takeover of your company. After all, you’ve used the technique yourself,” Justine reminded him. “At any rate, you will be hearing from our lawyers soon. Have a nice day.”
Justine tapped the end key on her phone and sat back. Overall, she was satisfied with the call. It wasn’t up to the sheer artistry of cursing someone out and baffling them with either bullshit or complex curses, but the subtle-ish burn of taking Hammer’s company from him while he was on the phone with her was an amazing high.
Being the Bob in charge of the legal side of their job was masses of underhanded fun.
You actually did it, you did a Bob call 🤩🤩 I loved the idea since the first mention in a podcast and I’ve definitely been headcanoned. Is there Bob bragging rights in the bob&dick coffee room? Oh I’m so happy you wrote this, thank you so much, love your writing
LMAO. That’s brilliant
So much fun! ROTFL
So brilliant. I’m glad I set my bowl of blueberries and yogurt down while reading this. 😀
Hahahahahaha Bob call and threatened with Dick!!! I love all of this!!
Ha! The Bob call for the win!
ROFL. Good that I didn’t drink anything while reading this. Thank you for this little bit of laughter directly after having to get up way too early for work.
You brought laughter and snark to my day and I thank you.
Ahh, the Bob call. Always fun to make, never fun to receive.
Loved the call. I have no idea what a ‘Bob call’ is in the greater scheme of things but it’s NOT a good thing. 🙂
I dated a guy whose brother-in-law was a Bob. He always told me with a twinkle in his eye that I said his name backwards, then corrected me. Dude was hilarious. Kinda wish I could’ve dated Bob instead of Matt. Oh well.
I wonder, who would be after Dick? Harry?
What a fantastic read, thank you.
I don’t know how I missed this, but this story is beyond great. Everybody needs a call from Bob.
As a Bob myself, I speak only for the animal kingdom and AO3. I am very happy to raise my voice in favor of the Bob concept and offer my services wherever needed. I and my C.V. stand at the ready. My dog (a Samoyed) has informed me that he stands, err, lays at my side, ready to leap into action as well!